Waiting for Clay
5/25/05
by Diane Sprague
I used to have a strange compulsion to finish reading a book even if I discovered it was dreadfully dull. I figured I started it so I might as well finish it. As I got older, I decided it was a remarkably stupid waste of time and I learned to put the darn thing aside. Last night when I was watching the American Idol finale, I realized I was acting with the same compulsion. I started watching the show with some mild enthusiasm which grew when I noticed there were some interesting singers. Over time, I sadly watched the interesting singers disappear and grew more and more certain of the predictable ending. When Constantine left, I felt like someone had come and picked out all of the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms and all that was left was the bland cereal. Oh well. I tried to manufacture some interest in the singers that were left, but my eyes kept glazing over and boredom kept seeping through. Was that really a finale last night? It just seemed like a self-satisfied puttering out. There wasn’t even at attempt to make that big bang one wants to hear at the end.
Of course, if the music becomes dull one can always spark interest again by scandal and controversy. That introduces the murky world where no one clearly comes out as the good guy or bad guy and exactly what happened gets lost in a ceaseless twisting of stories. Something fishy might be going on, but until we can clearly see what type of fish it is, I don’t know what we are supposed to do with it. We enjoy scandal so we can experience the surprising shock of discovering just how slimy, stupid, and outrageously rotten we can be. Once one comes to the conclusion that at the bottom we all are scoundrels, scandalous revelations become very redundant and the shock turns into a shrug. I do think it is important for the audience to communicate to the American Idol producers that we want a fair, reasonable competition and anything other than that is unacceptable. I also hope we have more sense than to put our money into books, music, and shows that feed off the banality of scandals. Sustained interest in the dark, wretched hole of our ugliness is impossible because we are only looking at shadows and silence. At some point, we begin looking for something more.
So now that the diversion of American Idol is over, I can take a closer look at what I have been really doing. I have been waiting for Clay. Life is busy; there is a lot to keep me occupied, but there is always the need to hold onto something else. News is just trickling in from Clay’s world...a summer tour with songs from different decades, something I would love to hear him do...an album coming out, well, sometime...other plans in the works, maybe. Okay, I can wait. There is something thrilling about the thought that, perhaps, some of his music is already made, a unrevealed treasure buried somewhere. When life because dull and predictable, there is something pleasantly satisfying about imagining about what is hidden away, waiting for us beyond the relentless illusion of time. One of my favorite times of the year is early spring when it is still gray, muddy, and cold. I like going out to look for little signs of spring, little crocus sprouts, thawing snow, or new birds singing. It’s okay if the nasty weatherman is predicting another foot of snow as long as I know these signs are there. Waiting is okay as long as it is for something real.
This season of American Idol did give me a few wonderful songs to add to my collection. I am glad for that, and I will be looking forwards to seeing what some of the singers end up creating in the future. It might be good. Still, I mainly listen to Clay. Nobody will even have the same effect upon me as he has. I have loved the few appearances he has made...his short, but delightful performance on Scrubs, his hauntingly beautiful rendition of I Will Carry You on Oprah, his surprising appearance in the audience on American Idol which caused me to spend of the rest of the show focused on the audience rather than the singers. I even got busted by my children when they discovered that I was still occasionally listening to Clay’s Christmas album. I didn’t look at them when they found it in the car, but I could tell they were rolling their eyes. It makes a noise when they do that, and I am hearing that noise more and more as they turn into teenagers. Oh well.
I like watching the choices that Clay makes. I remember his statement about wanting to have an influence. I wasn’t sure I believed him. I have seen too many broken promises in my life, and too many people pretending to be something they weren’t. There is something comforting about watching someone keep his promises and truly make an effort to make a difference with his life.
So I will continue to wait. Beautiful springtimes always surprise us after long dreary winters. Something beautiful is always hidden, just out of sight, until the time comes for it to make us remember. Clay’s music will come back to us soon. Silence is not forever.
SirLinksalot: Clay Aiken Links
SirLinksalot: American Idol Links