Simon, the Voice of Reason

4/14/05

By Diane Sprague

Huh? Did I just type that? No, that is not possible. Some nasty person must have come along and put that title up there, and darn, because it is now attached to this article I will have to do my best to try to do something with it.

Last week, when American Idol was doing show tunes and I noticed that Simon was particularly grumpy, I decided to kickback and enjoy the songs just to show him how enjoyable life can be when something isn't stuck up your butt. Alas, though, I couldn't dream the impossible dream and become Don Quixote for a few brief moments because that song has to be sung in a certain way and if it isn't, the dream is no longer impossible; it's just is just a passing fancy, and who the heck is Don Quixote anyways. If Clay had come on and sang that song the way it should have been sung, we all would have been fighting windmills. But Clay is doing something else now, so back to the topic at hand which is why Simon is the voice of reason and I don't like this topic, but that title is up there, so let's see what I can do.

I liked Constantine's My Funny Valentine . He knows how to entertain and pull us in. I liked being entertained and pulled in. I hate when the songs leave us out there because it's boring and alone out there and you might run into Simon and that would be freaky. Carrie made me think of the singers on the Lawrence Welk show. My parents used to listen to Lawrence Welk all the time and every singer was like her - beautiful faces, beautiful voices, lots of smiles and purity. I used to hide behind the couch, stuff cotton into my ears, and pray for it to end. Vonzell did very well with People Who Are in High Maintenance Co-dependent Relations with other People Are Somehow Lucky Because of This even though I hate that song. I don't like people. Anwar sounded good and I liked what Nikko did with One Hand, One Heart . I not sure he entirely pulled it off, but it was a good attempt. I always liked his style.

During this week's show, I found I had to agree with Simon about Nadia's performance. I forgot her song five minutes after I heard it. Of course, my memory is not the best. I often walk into rooms in my house with a definite purpose and good intentions, but unfortunately I have to sheepishly walk back out because I realize that I have no idea why I am in there and I figure I might have better luck if I step into another room and pretend to do something useful so as not to make my mindless wandering too apparent. Once again, I had to agree with Simon's statement about Anwar's voice being like a warm blanket. His voice is like that... a warm blanket, cookies, a cup of coffee, the cat sitting on a pillow and purring, and the dog pretending he wants you to pet him while is he really eyeing the cookies. Anwar's smile is the direct opposite of Simon's ugly scowl. The world is improved when those types of smiles are out there. Simon's ugly scowl only comes in handy when dealing with politicians and religious people who want us to send them lots of money.

Agreeing with Simon a few times was weird enough, but what was really creepy was when Scott sang She's Gone . It wasn't that good, right? I started scratching my head when Randy and Paula were jumping up and down and declaring the wonders of that performance, but I am used to them being clueless so it was not big deal. What got me was when the camera panned to Hall and Oates and they were doing somersaults and cartwheels. I mean, for goodness sakes, it wasn't that good. I know it wasn't that good and nobody was agreeing with me except for my dog who was howling painfully throughout the whole performance. Anthony's performance of one of their other songs had much more merit. Now I am used to having opinions that differ from others. I have been called an evil rotten heretic, a lost and pathetic soul, and just a plain stupid fool and it didn't even make me bat an eye. People can disagree with me and it's no big deal. Except in this case. I had to find someone who heard what I heard. So I turned to Simon. "Please, Mr. Grumpy. I know I have said a lot of nasty things about you and I plan to continue to say a lot of nasty things about you, but just this once, be the voice of reason." And he was. I felt better.

The treat of the night once again was Constantine. When he said he was going to sing the Bohemian Rhapsody , I knew it would be fun and he was going to make it work. He pulled me in from the first note and I could feel the passion, the excitement, and the desperation that are all brilliantly mixed into the song. He knows how to entertain, surprise us, and hold us until the end. I think his secret lies in his hair. I loved seeing it get all messy and fly around. Probably, like Samson, he will lose his power if those stylists get to him and cut it. Sometimes hair works best when it is messy. It make me think of the musical, Hair... "I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen, knotted, polka dotted, twisted, beaded, braided, powered, flowered and confettied, bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied." I think all those words together describe Constantine. Unfortunately sometimes too many words diffuse the praise, so Simon did well when he summed it all up with one word - "Astonishing!"

Well, that's it for saying nice things about Simon. I promise it will never happen again. Next week, he will go back to being an idiot and all well be right with the world. I will make sure my titles will only speak the truth and such blatantly false absurd statements never will appear on anything thing associated with my name. Even so, life is no fun if we cannot occasionally say something we shouldn't say, because what we do say hides a millions of unsaid, far more interesting things.