The Rest is Silence

9/16/05

by Diane Sprague

When I wake up in the middle of the night, sometime torrents of thoughts keep sleep from returning. I think about the alarm clock that is set to ring and remind me to begin the slow, steady progress of awakening myself and awakening my children. Then the rush begins to get all of our preparations together and hurry out the door with bookbags, lunches, notes, purses, coats, and shoes all in their correct place. The drive to the schools and my work is always the same with the annoying traffic and the stretch of time to let my wander over the many paths it likes to take. Everyday, I get my cup of coffee which begins my mornings with it's comfort and warmth. Next comes the steady stream of phone calls with the endless questions: how to get the printer to work again, why are these strange icons filling up the desktop; what does this error message mean; where did my sound go; or what happened to my internet connection. At the end of the day, there's the long drive back home. There are few hours left to attempt to organize and clean a house that is always five steps ahead of me in it disorganization and messiness. There is also some time to help my children with there homework and maybe listen to some music before it is time to sleep and then begin the routine once again. Weekends offer a little bit more free time and the elusive promise to get caught up on all those projects which never go away. In the middle of the night, in the darkness, I wonder what keeps me going. Sometimes I want to turn the alarm clock off to make its noisy reminder disappear.

However, I never do turn off the clock. I repeat a Zen teaching I have always loved: Before Zen, one sweeps the floor and fetches the water. After Zen, one sweeps the floor and fetches the water. So in the darkness I try to define what could be meant by the idea of Zen. Sometimes I understand. Sometimes it's simple. I whisper into my pillow that it makes sense. Other times, the simplicity drifts away. There is too much to do, too much noise, too many thoughts racing by for sleep to return. I stare into the blankness surrounding me and remind myself that there are times when it makes sense, but for tonight, the rest is silence.