The Only Place in the Word

by Diane Sprague

There are points in life when we view the world with crystal clarity and we react to our realization with utter despair. Sometimes this realization comes only briefly and we can quickly distract ourselves and forget what we have seen. Sometimes the realization remains and we find ourselves unable to leave the depths of despair our understanding has given us. Now and then, if we look at the source of our despair deeply and honestly enough, we come across a new vision that breaks through with joy and love. It seems as if there is a light that we can see only when we allow ourselves to peer directly into the darkness.

I remember reaching that point in my life. I was twenty years old and a student at college. I just spent the evening with a group of people who seemed intent at tearing each other down. Their misery took the form of a constant negativity, the purpose of which was to give each of them some kind of credit for their ability to notice just how lousy everyone else’s existence was. Up to that point, I was able to pretend that, because I was part of the group, underneath it all these were still decent people, but the illusion broke. I saw clearly that I was surrounded by a violent hatefulness that would tear me down along with the others the minute I left the room. I wanted to belong, to find love and being part of this vicious circus was all that I was able to accomplish.

I left the building and walked down to a small lake that was on the campus. I sat on a stone and found that all of my illusions were shattered that evening. My most cherished game of saying there would be a tomorrow that would somehow redeem the empty yesterdays and my present struggles was shown to be just that, a game, my way of pretending that life was something other than it was. Tomorrow would only be a continuation of what has always been: emptiness, struggle, and despair. I could not pretend anymore. All that was left was the blankness of the dark sky above me which contained no explanations, solutions, or comfort. Time was my enemy because I was destined to continue in its cruel successions of illusions and misery.

I asked the primal question, “For goodness sakes, why?” I remembered the answers I was given throughout my life: a paradise that was lost by two people eating a piece of fruit; that there is no God and life is ultimately meaningless so we are required to create our own meaning; that we can only obtain peace by achieving some type of Oneness with the universe. Time ticked on and none of these answers satisfied me. “You are going to have to do better than that,” I taunted the emptiness. I expected to receive anger in turn for my anger. Instead, I was surprised by love.

Time stopped. There was no longer a yesterday, a today, and a tomorrow. I was in what I called the only place in the world. My life, from that perspective, took on a beauty and intensity that made me react with laughter and joy. I embraced the suffering as strongly as I embraced the love and goodness that surrounded all that was happening. Without any words to explain it, I understood. There was a reason why life was the way it was and I thoroughly agreed with it.

Time came back and I was left with only the strange memory of what I saw and understood. I found myself at a lost for words or explanations of whatever it was I realized that made me want to embrace the suffering and struggles of life. All I knew was that from an eternal perspective, a perspective that stands outside of time, I saw only love and goodness surrounding my existence. I realized that my anger was answered with love.

Now, years later, I am still struggling to find ways to express this realization, but I find that my words continue to fail me. I find that reason often provides arguments against what I cannot put into words, this experience of being in the only place in the world. But then again, it is difficult to slip reason into a world outside of time. It is difficult to slip myself into that world. I was there once though, and my hope is that this glimpse into the eternal suggests that we all carry it within us. There is a place where our desperate question, “For goodness sakes, why?” receives an answer given with a love that surprises us.