Falling into the Darkness
03/03/06
by Diane Sprague
Sometimes I find myself doing some things that hurt like hell. At times, it is just rehashing painful memories or just forcing myself to look at something I just don't want to see. In the past, when I discovered that my husband was cheating on me, I would seek out the evidence and force myself to focus on every raw detail. The whole time a knot inside me would tighten and my spirit would fall into a darkness that would take years to escape. Why did I do this? I don't know, but I did it again a few nights ago.
I ventured into the seedy side of the Internet. A strange compulsion took over and I was determined to see what the tabloid trashy people were saying about Clay. I hated it there. It was a strange impersonal world filled with anger, desperation, confusion, and loneliness. Whether something was true or a lie was purposefully unclear; all that mattered was the insistence that the crude ugliness was interesting. Shock and emptiness were the little gods that reigned in this world. When I was finished, I went to my bed and sobbed into my pillow. Why did I let myself go there? The whole time I felt that same frightening knot and inescapable darkness.
I once had a very short dream. I saw an image of four triangles curving up into an apex and I heard a voice saying this is God. In the morning, while remembering the dream I was puzzled. What could that possibly mean? I thought I could dig out my Jungian books and look to see if the symbol was described, but something told me the meaning was more basic and personal than a description of some obscure dream image interpretation. For months the meaning of this symbol eluded me. In the summer, my family went on camping trip. We brought our dog along, set up our tent, and built a campfire. When we were in the tent, we would tell ghost stories and laugh at our countless goofy jokes. As I snuggled with my children under the warm covers, I looked up at the tent ceiling and was utterly dumbstruck. I was looking at God: the four triangles curving up to the apex. At first, I did not know what it possible could mean, but it was the exact same image. Over time, the meaning slowly came to me.
Like a tent, God is the thin shelter we place above our heads to shield ourselves from a world that is so wild and unknown. It's a place where we can be safe and hold onto each other in the silence of the night. It's where life makes just a little bit of sense for brief time when we can enjoy laughter, connection, and meaning. The idea is simple.
I don't intend to go back to that strange darkness again. I am stupid, but not that stupid. It has been fun reading Clay's newest blogs. I like his pictures. Beautiful stone churches and funny stories provide a gentle reminder of our ability to choose something bigger, something better. It's hard not to glance at the words of people who want to shock and disgust us, but the reminder that our choices can be different opens up a world with greater possibilities. It is wonderfully freeing to know we can leave that other world behind.
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